Living, Laughing and Loving

Surprise, Surprise...my crazy schedule keeps me away from fun technology more than anyone would like...have no fear it also keeps me away form laundry and cleaning my house as well.  Have no fear every once and awhile I can steal away from a few short minutes to write.

I feel like sometimes...and boy am I guilty of this...we run ourselves down, we burn the candle at both ends, we get too goal focused, we crush other people to get to where we want to be, we run through life and forget to stop and smell the roses, forget to laugh, forget to just take a deep breath and remember why we loved doing things in the first place.

Lucky for me I have been reminded of this almost daily in the recent weeks. 

My days start at about 4:30 when I reluctantly roll out of bed to get ready for work.  At about 5:30 I am in the kitchen trying to make my final preparations to get out the door to head into work.  I work from 6-3 (9 hours), then I head to practice until 5:30/6 then some nights I head to diving lessons or to church or where ever else I have committed to. Bed time rolls around never any sooner than 10:30ish but most nights its 11 or 12, then its rinse and repeat.
We joke that by Friday at 5 I am pretty useless.

It's not an impossible schedule, but I am going to admit it's hard...before you tell me it's not please try getting up day after day at 4:30.

Why do I do this...because at 3:15 every day I walk into a meeting room where more than likely someone is going to make fun of how tired I look, where my mini me is going to make sure I have everything I need for practice, where the crazy group of jumpers I have gathered will take...and I'm not kidding here 348  photos on my phone of themselves making funny faces, they will steal my sunglasses, pry into my nonexistent social life, make fun of how yet another one of my pairs of pants could be ripping 
 
 
...the list could go on.

And it doesn't stop there...just today a really great friend brought me Starbucks to work...just because I needed an extra lift!

These little reminders remind me to stop and smell the rose, smile, laugh, love life.  They remind me to have fun hair, take silly pictures, dance, to catch up, call people on the phone, write letters, send post cards, write...dream...

I would change my crazy life for anything but the reminder to enjoy more of it never hurts.

With Love Always,

Alex

Love Yourself First

I'm not going to lie the last few weeks have sucked.  I believe the comment was made that my life seemed to be a wreck.  Honestly maybe it is...I don't even know anymore...but I'm learning a lot about myself lately so regardless of what has happened I know I will walk away stronger.

Over the summer I was blessed with this amazing opportunity to use my talents for good (rather than evil) and take on promotional work.  This is honestly something that I have always loved and been interested in but never had the opportunity to seriously do long term.  

Now in my life I have never been a person that needed people to pat me on the back or give me public praise and honestly if you know me you know that makes me feel very uncomfortable, but as this new adventure continued I started to notice that I wasn't necessarily being supported either.  Asking for help...input...things that were necessary to make this project successful...very little of that was happening especially from people who were supposed to be my "friends".  Now normally I can just do things myself but unfortunately I'm not super woman...though I really wish I could be.  

I started to suspect that this lack of support was intentional but thought that saying it out loud well, it sounded absolutely crazy.  But then I remembered...that the genius thing about it was that it did sound crazy.  No one would believe me...that's what makes it brilliant.  

After months of being worn down, not supported...being systematically set up to fail...being yelled at during work by someone who was supposed to protect me and help me...I walked away.

Sometimes you have to know when the bridge isn't worth being saved...so I found the matches.  

It's funny only one person even remotely believed me but I will tell you this...now that I am gone the pictures I have been asking for are magically there...the information I needed is free flowing...seems like I was right.

At the end of the day what matters most isn't that I was right in thinking that two of the most beloved people were unsupportive, that people who should helped me wouldn't...it's that I loved myself enough to walk away.  To lay all my cards on the table and tell everyone that I am more important than these mind games, that I will not be subjected to this crap any longer and most importantly you can not control me, tell me what to do or intimidate me.

I told you 2015 was going to be my year...you can't stop me and I don't need you to get in the way of my happiness any longer.

Everyday I realize that some of my "friends" aren't actually my friends but the few I escaped with...well they are clearly fireproof.

With Love Always,

Alex

True Friends

So the people in my close circle of friends know how tough this week has been...honestly I have always had issues trusting people and this week has proved yet again that people can't be trusted. But just when I felt like everything was coming crashing down I saw what could only be explained as the ray of sunshine that is hope that things will work out...that things will get better and I will not let gossip...slander or anything else bring me down.

True friends...

I don't need hundreds of them...I need just a few. They aren't people who are fake...honestly I really don't need everyone to get them or understand them or like them.  

They are the people who hear me when I say I'm hurting...and fix what feels broken.

They are the people who think of an idea and rather than running with it themselves hand it off to you because they know it will let you shine in an area you naturally accel at.

They make themselves available to you when you need to talk about something that upsets you even when they can offer no solution to you problem what so ever...you just needed to say things out loud so you didn't explode.

They tell you when people are spreading lies about you...

They love you...

They pick you up when you are down...

They make you laugh...

They tell you that you are beautiful...

They encourage you to stay sassy even if people shame you for it.

They encourage you to be creative...

They support you...

They are your cheerleaders...

They ask you to come with...

I may not have a bunch of people who are much closest friends but I'm completely fine with the ones I have.

I can honestly say that this week would have been impossible without them.

With Love Always,

Alex

A new notebook

Never underestimate the power a new notebook can have on someone who is creative...its like telling someone with a shopping problem they can have new shoes...the possibilities to them are endless.  The possibilites and the things they can do can be just what they needed after a long day or what they needed to pull them out of a rut they were in.  

Well as much as I wish I were a shopaholic (only because I wear the same clothes all the time) I am the creative side to this scenerio.  So how did I get to a place that I needed to be reinspired you ask....well allow me to tell you.

I've spent the last few years working with people who I thought supported me and who were my friends and as time goes on and as I grow wiser I am starting to realize that these people that I thought were so amazing are actually at the heart of it all...mean girls.  Now what is a mean girl you ask...well they are the girls who do things to systematically tear you down, to drive you crazy, to wear on you...but they do it so that people don't catch on....so that when you inform people of this you can't always explain it...or that maybe you don't have hard proof...or they just jab at you little by little so that when you explode you look like the bad guy instead of them...which is exactly what they want.  

These types of girls (and they can be guys as well) are typically people who are favored and well liked by a lot of people so it's hard for others to see what you are going through.  Most often times this behavior is triggered by them not getting their way in one or two instances and they just want to be right or they want "their order" restored.  

Well this is really starting to wear on me.  I have tried to tell people...I have tried to point it out....all that has happened is that I get more hoops to jump through and they get less.  It's not a situation I want to keep putting myself in. 

Just when I want to walk away from it all I remember that I am actually good at what I do...there are people who actually believe in me and it has never been in my nature to give up becuase of the actions of two.

Which brings me to the notebooks...

I was feeling discouraged yesterday and thought that after everything I could use a small pick me up something to help get all the progress I had made over the last 21 days of prayer (something we did at church) going...I found my creative juices again while I was in those 21 days.  So I went to TJ Maxx and found one notebook for my crazy ideas and one for things that inspire me/things I want to write about. Almost instantly I came up with what I thought was an amazing idea and it came to me so clearly so vivid that I couldn't help but stop and write down every detail in my head.

It is funny...I'm still upset...I'm still hurt...but I have 200 blank pages so the possiblilties seem endless.

      

                                                                                                         With Love Always,

                                                                                                            Alex

A New Year...

As we go through the last few days of 2014 my mind drifts through everything that has happened this past year...a lot has happened...a lot of it good and a lot that I can learn from.

But as I sit and look back I remember that nothing can change from living in the past and that I wanted to go into 2015 with a list of things I wanted to do...

1. Laugh - I want to laugh at myself...I want to laugh when life is funny...I don't want to care who is watching or who is around I just want to laugh at the joy of life.

2. Dance - I want to dance when I'm happy, when I'm sad, in the car, in the shower, waiting for my coffee...when I outsmart someone at work...when I do something dumb...when one of my athletes do something awesome...when I do something awesome...just for the joy of it.

3. Sing - (first I apologize if you hear me sing) I want to sing at the top of my lungs...with my friends...for fun...in the shower...in traffic (that's always fun...people stare)...whenever I feel like singing because it's fun and freeing.

4. Love - I want to love...life, my friends, family, my dog...everything...because of all things I believe that love can conquer all.

5. I want to do life on my schedule - I want to nap if I want to nap...read a book...watch a movie in my pjs at 3 in the afternoon...I want to get back to doing things for the joy of me.

6. I want my mom to lay off how I look...I know I'm beautiful.  I realize that I may not be thin by anyone's standard but I am happy...I go to the gym...I work out...but this year I want to block out the comments and remember what I know to be true...I think I am beautiful inside and out and honestly my opinion is the only one I think really counts at the end of the day.

7. I want to keep my purple hair because it's become a part of me...it's the warning sign that I might be more feisty than I look.  

8.  I want to smile 

9.  I want to take pictures of things that inspire me

10.  I want to cook more

11.  I want to read more

12.  I want to write more

13.  I want to create more

14.  I want to follow my dreams even if they don't pan out I don't care I just want to say that I followed them because at the end of the day we will never know if we can achieve them if we don't try.

15.  I want to fall in love and even if I get my heart broken...I'll be stronger for it.

16. I want to be brave.

17. More honest

18.  More aware of the world around me

19.  I want to let loose 

20.  I want to take more chances

21.  I want to actually try some of the things I pin on pinterest

22. Connect with people more

23.  Take more time for God

24.  Take time to be still

25.  Take time to connect with out of state family

26.  Find more beauty in life than negativity

27.  Be okay with things don't go as planned...keep going regardless...remember that it will all work out in the end.

My dearest friend says that my 27th year would be my year...well maybe he's right...but I guess this list can't hurt things any.

I want to wish everyone reading this a Happy Holidays!  Have a wonderful New Years!

With Love Always,

Alex

The Practical Gift Giving Guide for this 27 Year Old

So I was on my lunch earlier this week and I came across this article about 51 things that a 25 really wants for Christmas.  It was great, so great in fact that I decided to repost it because I thought several of my friends could relate to it.  However as the week has rolled on I began to think of things that should be added or things that I would want.

So here it is...my practical gift giving guide for this 27 year old female.

• A phone that actually has enough storage so that I can take pictures and have apps all at the same time...that would be...wait for it...SMART!
• A fancy laptop so I can actually start building websites and making money on the side because after all single girls need to have some extra cash around to have fun with.
• An endless supply of money on my Starbucks Gold card...I mean I am a Recruitment Advisor...its sort of the stuff we live on.
• Someone to come walk my dog everyday mid afternoon for free not because they have to but because they love me and because they feel bad that everyone is getting on my case because I actually have to work all day instead of play with my dog. 
• Someone to do laundry and fold it and put it away...and that person can't be my mom...and if that person is my mom she can't judge me because I can't do it.
• Someone to clean my house...like every week.  Again the same rules apply for it not being my mother.
• I need extra time to go to the gym and craft without losing time to sleep
• The Jeep to never need gas or an oil change
• The perfect Spotify channel for work, the drive to work, the drive home and getting ready for work or going out...without me having to hunt for it or build it.
• A guy to just grow a pair and tell me how he feels...not just when he's drunk and flirt...or be subtle when flirting...I mean I need clear obvious "Hey Lady I like you!"
• A huge bed...that feels like a cloud
• Someone to laugh at my jokes...like all the time
• A partner in crime...and they don't have to be my boyfriend but just someone who's always down to get into trouble
• Endless amounts to time to watch movies...whether its on Netflix or on TV or at the theaters.  Just all the movies
• A guy to go dancing with...not just when he's drunk...but anytime I want to which is pretty much all the time.

I mean I feel like that covers it...I don't know if any of these things are practical but I really don't care...shoot for the stars right!

With Love Always,

Alex

Hard Lessons In Love

I think if you've met me you know that if one word in the English language stands out to me more than any other word its "love."  I think it came be overused, I think its special, it can be powerful, it can heal and it can save.  The most important thing is, that at the end of the day, it's one of the few things I believe in absolutely. 

Well I have learned some hard lessons in it recently...but sometimes love is hard and I think you have to go through struggles sometimes to be happy.

If there is one thing I can't stand, its the people who say they love you, they are your friends and do things to purposely make you look dumb or insufficient.  I have never felt that love needs or should be about having a hidden agenda.  If you have something to say you should just say it.  Unfortunately, the people who just say what we think, or how we feel often get labeled as trouble makes, or  instigators but I would rather be labeled as such and know that at the end of the day you know exactly...and I do mean exactly how I feel then to allow someone to have power over me.  And I truly feel like that...I feel like when you go behind someone's back or when you do things to set them up to fail while leading them to believe you love them you hold power over them.  It's not a power I believe we should have over each other and it's not a power I want to have taken from me or to have over anyone else.

I have learned that love can't be compromised but you have to compromise once you have it.
I have so many friends who are with people just because they have to be.  It hurts to see my friends unhappy with these people but they can't bring themselves to do what they need to do to be happy for themselves even though no one in their relationship is happy.  I think there is another side to this that in order to have love we must compromise.  I have been in handful of situations that people will tell me how and when something will be....how I will act, when something will go down...that's not love in any form.  Love meets in the middle...where both parties feel loved, happy, like they were heard, appreciated and that no one was taken advantage of.  

Love is loving yourself and feeling free.  I joke that I'm not ready for a relationship and honestly I really haven't been.  I wasn't happy where I was...stressed out...literally losing hair from the stress of work...some of which I am sure was self inflicted...feeling trapped in a never ending cycle of being stuck in a job that wasn't going to go anywhere after being passed up for a job that everyone thought was mine.  And then one leap of faith changed the path I was on and put new life into my day.  Now its not like I'm saving the world...and even if I was I couldn't tell you because that would go against some hero code or some top secret clearance.  But the point being this change started the ball rolling...or maybe it was the hair that started the change...the world may never know...but being truly happy and just waking up everyday happy that I can go to work without being stressed...though we still need to figure out how to tell the one department I'm a girl...to go home at the end of the day and be done with work and do whatever I need to do without worrying about work stuff is amazing.  For the first time in a long time I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, feeling unstoppable. Someone asked me how I liked my new job the other night...when I responded they asked if I was being sarcastic.  I was shocked and replied quickly with no.  But it occurred to me that this feeling of being light and free is so new to me that it must look crazy to everyone around me.  
So I mentioned that I felt like up until now I felt like I could not have been in a relationship because I was too stressed and bogged down.  I'm not saying sign me up but I'm saying that in order to even consider loving others you have to first love yourself.  I've always loved myself...but now I feel love...and could finally be open to it if it found me.

Change isn't easy...I don't think love is either...but I think there as parts of love that are.  I think we can challenge ourselves to love everyday.  To be upfront with the people we say we love, to not compromise our happiness but to compromise when it matters...when its in love...and to be free and to feel love even if it's for one small part of our day.

With Love Always,

Alex