Well I have learned some hard lessons in it recently...but sometimes love is hard and I think you have to go through struggles sometimes to be happy.
If there is one thing I can't stand, its the people who say they love you, they are your friends and do things to purposely make you look dumb or insufficient. I have never felt that love needs or should be about having a hidden agenda. If you have something to say you should just say it. Unfortunately, the people who just say what we think, or how we feel often get labeled as trouble makes, or instigators but I would rather be labeled as such and know that at the end of the day you know exactly...and I do mean exactly how I feel then to allow someone to have power over me. And I truly feel like that...I feel like when you go behind someone's back or when you do things to set them up to fail while leading them to believe you love them you hold power over them. It's not a power I believe we should have over each other and it's not a power I want to have taken from me or to have over anyone else.
I have learned that love can't be compromised but you have to compromise once you have it.
I have so many friends who are with people just because they have to be. It hurts to see my friends unhappy with these people but they can't bring themselves to do what they need to do to be happy for themselves even though no one in their relationship is happy. I think there is another side to this that in order to have love we must compromise. I have been in handful of situations that people will tell me how and when something will be....how I will act, when something will go down...that's not love in any form. Love meets in the middle...where both parties feel loved, happy, like they were heard, appreciated and that no one was taken advantage of.
Love is loving yourself and feeling free. I joke that I'm not ready for a relationship and honestly I really haven't been. I wasn't happy where I was...stressed out...literally losing hair from the stress of work...some of which I am sure was self inflicted...feeling trapped in a never ending cycle of being stuck in a job that wasn't going to go anywhere after being passed up for a job that everyone thought was mine. And then one leap of faith changed the path I was on and put new life into my day. Now its not like I'm saving the world...and even if I was I couldn't tell you because that would go against some hero code or some top secret clearance. But the point being this change started the ball rolling...or maybe it was the hair that started the change...the world may never know...but being truly happy and just waking up everyday happy that I can go to work without being stressed...though we still need to figure out how to tell the one department I'm a girl...to go home at the end of the day and be done with work and do whatever I need to do without worrying about work stuff is amazing. For the first time in a long time I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, feeling unstoppable. Someone asked me how I liked my new job the other night...when I responded they asked if I was being sarcastic. I was shocked and replied quickly with no. But it occurred to me that this feeling of being light and free is so new to me that it must look crazy to everyone around me.
So I mentioned that I felt like up until now I felt like I could not have been in a relationship because I was too stressed and bogged down. I'm not saying sign me up but I'm saying that in order to even consider loving others you have to first love yourself. I've always loved myself...but now I feel love...and could finally be open to it if it found me.
Change isn't easy...I don't think love is either...but I think there as parts of love that are. I think we can challenge ourselves to love everyday. To be upfront with the people we say we love, to not compromise our happiness but to compromise when it matters...when its in love...and to be free and to feel love even if it's for one small part of our day.
With Love Always,
Alex
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