Silently Screaming

In the past few months I have been told I'm too tough, I'm rude, I come off as dismissive, sarcastic, demeaning etc...for almost a year now I have taken beating after beating of being told how wrong I do everything, I have felt like an outsider in places that I've called home, felt cast aside by people I called friends and family.  For months I've held it in...well tried to hold it in pushed to the breaking point then shoved over without hesitation.

I've been silently screaming, holding back tears, fighting to stay afloat and frankly it sucks.

Now I know this blog is about love and don't get me wrong we are getting there just hang on...we are getting there...I promise.

I am trying to learn who "is sitting around my camp fire and who isn't"  and while I don't know who is sitting around my fire all the time...I can at least figure out who isn't.  

I just find it frustrating to be beat down by so many people everyday and maybe they don't know they are the 10th person to make me feel worthless or lesser or like a complete idiot regardless it can be hard to stand tall when you feel so small.

At the end of the day I realize that being hard, and tough has closed me off to a lot of things...self preservation is key when you feel like you are under attack.  I feel like I laugh a little less and cry a little more but one thing I know for sure is that without a few key friends that are really more like my family I would seriously crumble.  

They are my family, I love them....there are no words beyond thank you for these amazing people in my life.  

I know that these times are tough and dark but after the dark comes the light, because of the rain all things can grow...basically I know things will get better because with these people by my side I can get stronger than I am alone.

With Love Always,

Alex